How to bullshit an essay -- write in record time

Shit happens. Shit happens, even when you have a 15 page paper due tomorrow or when you're on the last essay in a long exam. Intense deadlines can be hard to cope with -- even if you've already written a lot of the work.

Need a quick conclusion? A last-minute topic? A whole entire paper in less than ten minutes? If you're in a jam and you need page-per-minute skills, you'll be happy you read this article.

You can't ask for an extension

We'll assume that you can't ask for an extension, which is usually the case -- but one thing you can certainly do is check the syllabus for other loopholes. Some professors deduct a specific point count per day of lateness. That will definitely be worth considering. But don't spend too much time deliberating. You can decide to turn it in late while you're walking to class with your bullshit-backup in hand.

Turning it on

In order for this to work, you need to eliminate all distractions a write completely stream-of-conciousness. If you don't go right from your head to the paper, you'll have to go back and read through old parts of the paper in order to get back into the zone. Checking your email three times is going to cost you much more than a few minutes.

Close everything but the word processor and go somewhere quiet, bare and lonely.

The content

Outlines

You probably don't have time to write an outline. Instead, pretend an elementary school poster is hanging right in front of your face: the Five Paragraph Essay. Imagine it in five parts: introduction, three middle topics and a conclusion.

Use your archives

Whereever possible, try to use something you've already written. Sometimes you can copy and paste a whole paper from another class just to cover one topic in a new paper. Some teachers consider this a form of plagarism, so be careful.

Moreoever, you can use your mental archives. This is actually much more effective (especially if you're writing an in-class essay). Choose to write about things you already understand. Bend the topic so that you can discuss a book you read in another class or an article you read in your free time.

Courtesy of Mendhak | Flickr

Introductions and conclusions

You've probably figured out that the intro and outtro are the easiest parts of an essay to bullshit, but this will make it even easier: the sandbox analogy.

Imagine an elaborate situation in a playground sandbox where Jill and Alfred are both trying to play with the same toy. They argue about it. Use that exact situation as a metaphor for whatever your topic is and describe the hell out of the situation. End with: "This is just like the issue of [your topic]." If you're writing about abortion, one child represents pro-life and one represents pro-choice. If you're writing about the Civil War, one is the North and one is the South.

The reason this works is because everything has conflict. There are opposing sides in every short story and on either end of all debates. The "sandbox" is a little hackneyed -- your teach may have actually heard it before -- so come up with something right now that you can use forever. It could be a chase scene in an action movie or an actual experience you've had. Anything with conflict can be related to the conflict you've been assigned.

Act two: the middle

This will definitely be the hardest part of the paper. You need three angles on your topic. Here are some ideas:

• Three arguements - Elaborate on three arguements for your position on the conflict.
• Three comparisons - Compare the issue, theme or arguement in three ways to something else. You can literally pick a random object in the room. For instance: Barak Obama is like a... flash light. His speaking abilities are like the light bulb, his campaign manager is like the battery and Joe Biden is like a miniature flash light that came in the same package.
• Three sub-topics - If you pick something general enough for your main idea, then the easiest route might be to not argue anything at all -- just explain three components of the overall concept.

This is damage control

These techniques aren't going to win you awards. If you're writing a whole paper in a short time, you probably aren't getting an A. Let's just try to get a C -- or even an F. An F isn't that bad. It will hurt your grade, but a 50% is immensely better than a zero. The key here is to turn something in and if you've already got a lot of the essay finished, we don't want to get docked points just because of a page count.

(Papers and essays are a great example of the Pareto principle. Think about it: you could spend only an hour on a paper and get a 50% -- that's a huge return on your investment -- whereas, the difference between an A and a B is several hours.)

In conclusion

And that's why bullshitting an essay is easy. Some people say that it's hard to bullshit essays. They're like young Michael who refuses to give up his red firetruck. Others are more optimistic -- like Susan, who just wants to play with the firetruck for a short time. Maybe, some day, both of these sides will reconcile their differences. As I've argued, when that day comes, Susan and Michael will similing and laughing together. They'll be sharing that bright red firetruck. Amen.

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[Scaramouche]

Using your own previous writing is not plagiarism, regardless of what some professor or anybody else says. Anyone who thinks it is needs to review what the word means. If I am the original author of something, then it consists of my ideas and my writing, and I can do with it whatever I wish. There is no ethical problem.

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